And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
