I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
