I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
