I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
