I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Every concussion has its silver lining
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize