I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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