and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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