just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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