About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
