It was confusing and full of hummus
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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