Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
