You really coming over, don't trick.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
