Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
