every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize