So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
