I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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