and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
