pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize