If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
