I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
