John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
