I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
