we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
