the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
