i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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