I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
