Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
