And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Green mimosas i think yes
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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