Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
