I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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