Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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