Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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