this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
