Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found a bag of teeth...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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