Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
