Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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