The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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