It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The power of my boobs compel you
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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