Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
