First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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