And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
