The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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