There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
