You're so nebulous sometimes
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
