i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
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