This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize