Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
