Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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