Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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