Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
