And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
