sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
