Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
