I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
