I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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