Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Enjoy the penises
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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