i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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