why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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