I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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