Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
