my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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