Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize