Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
