All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
