Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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