it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
