i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
