I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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